


There’s No Life Without Love

by kbl55429



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alec centric, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Good Parent Maryse Lightwood, Hurt Alec Lightwood, Hurt Magnus Bane, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, but still has both POV’s
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-05
Updated: 2017-11-08
Packaged: 2019-01-29 14:43:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12633201
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kbl55429/pseuds/kbl55429
Summary: After the war is over, Alec has a breakdown and makes a decision.





	1. Tired

**Author's Note:**

> Everything that happens in the show happens here but a little differently. Those being that at the end while Jace and Clary were at Lake Lynn, circle members attacked the institute and Alec, Izzy and Magnus don’t go to the lake, they fight. And then after everyone defeated including Valentine they all meet up back at the institute. Jace still dies and comes back but it’s another reason why Alec has troubles, another driving force behind his decision.

**Alec’s POV**

 

As I look around the room, I look at all the hurt Shadowhunters and Downworlders, it was a long and tiring road but it was all over. The war was over, Valentine was defeated, the last of the Circle members are being gathered and are being stripped of their runes and their memories wiped. Izzy, Jace and Clary, my parents all made it out of alive and Magnus made it out alive.

I made it out alive, but I didn't make it out whole. A part of me is broken, I guess that's the price of war. Being a Shadowhunter is the only thing I've ever known, it's been apart of me forever but now I'm not so sure if it's worth it all. I’ve never had a burning desire that Izzy and Jace have had but I continued because it was my duty, it was something instilled in my brain ever since I could walk. But now I'm not sure I can do it anymore.

I looked down at the runes on my arms and the bow in my hand. My quiver on my back, my seraph blade on my hip and my steele in my pocket. Is it worth it anymore, I had given so much and given nothing in returned, everything had been taken. I look across the room and my eyes meet with Magnus’ and he smiles well more like a grimace but I don't smile back. I understand what he did and why he did it, I lied about the soul sword but I never meant to hurt him, I truly believed I was doing the right thing and so did he. I only ever wanted the best for everyone and all it did was leave me broken.

I was standing there and I feel the tears slip from my eyes and a hand on my shoulder, I look over and it's my mother. I know she can tell I'm not alright and she pulls me aside. “Alec baby are you ok.” I look at her and put my face in the crook of her neck and I can no longer control the sobs, their loud. I can feel everyone looking at me but I don't care anymore, I no longer want to put the brave face on, the face that tells everyone I'm ok but secretly I'm slowly dying inside.

“I'm t-t-t-tired m-m-mom, so, s-s-so, so t-t-t-tired,” I can barely get the words out, next thing I know she's pulling me into a quiet room. She can tell I'm starting to hyperventilate, she looks at me in the eyes “baby, I need you to breathe, take a deep breath in and count to five then let it out.” I do what she tells me to do and I start to feel better. “There you go, now do it a couple more times.” After doing it three more times, I can fully breathe again and there is a silence, I can still feel tears fall down my eyes but their not as heavy as before. I look at my mom and I tell her “I don't know if I can do it anymore.” I see the worry crease in between her eyes, the one that's gotten more noticeable in the last few weeks. Some of its from the war but most of its from me. She knows I haven't been eating or drinking properly in the last few weeks, she asked me with a softness in her voice, one I haven't heard in a while “do what honey?”

I look at her and I see in her eyes she knows what I'm talking about but she going to force me to say it. To say for the first time in a while what I want. I tell her “be a Shadowhunter I need a break, a break from the pain, suffering, the fighting just everything, I need to get away, just me.”

I can see the understanding in her eyes. This war has taken a lot out of everyone, but it's taken more from me emotionally more then anything. She looks at me not with pity or anger but with love and she tells me, “then that's what you'll do Alec, you deserve it, I can see that you’re hurting and I want to do everything possible to bring my baby boy back.” And she hugs me and I start crying again while she whispers in my ear trying to assure me that everything will be ok. I want to believe her but at this point I'm not so sure.

Mom then takes me to a bed and tells me to sleep, I'm not sure I'll be able to but I really hope so. She gives me some tea and before I know it my world fades into darkness.

 

==========================

 

**Magnus’ POV**

 

I haven't seen Alexander since his mother took his sobbing form into a quiet room. I could see how tired he was, emotionally and physically and I feel a pain in my chest, a pain of knowing that I caused some of that. But he hurt me too, he lied to me, I know he was just trying to do the right thing but so was I. He only wanted what was best for everyone, now I look back on it, I only wanted what was best for my people, but I failed to realize that Alexander is my people, when I finally did it was too late, the damage had been done.

I see Maryse appear and she has a look of worry but also slight anger in her eyes and she spots me and walks right to me. I can see that something's wrong, when she’s finally right in front of me, she doesn't shout and just simply states the facts. “Look I know that Alec made a mistake about the soul sword and you know as much as I do that he was only trying to do what's right, you had every right to be upset but you took it too far Magnus.” I can see the tears fall from her eyes. “You took it too far, you took him and you made him whole, he was so happy, happier then I've ever seen him but then you, you broke him. But being the caring Alexander that always puts everyone before himself, he forgives you, so do I and so does everyone else. I can't make any promises but if he wants to see you I’ll give you a call.”

She looks at me in the eye and places a warm hand on my forearm, “I know Magnus that you and I have never seen eye to eye but I have grown to care about you.” I start to cry as she continues, “take care of yourself.” And with that she walks away. I can no longer hold back the tears coming down my eyes. Before anyone can see the great High Warlock of Brooklyn break down, I open a portal and step through right in to the living room of my loft and fall to my knees as sobs wreck my body.

 

**6 Months Later (still Magnus’ POV)**   
  


 

It’s been months since I last saw Alexander, before he left he sent me a letter telling me that he loved me but he needed time for himself which I understood. It then stated that he didn’t expect me to wait for him but I always will, even if he never shows back up, it was and will always be him.

They took my High Warlock position away after I sided with the Seelies and since the queen betrayed me and worked with Valentine, they said I was no longer fit to lead. Besides Alexander it was the one thing that meant the most to me. Now that I no longer have either I don’t know who I am so now I just immerse myself in alcohol.

I can tell my friends are worried about me but I just don’t have in me to care anymore. Times moves by so slow these days, the pain and the heartbreak never goes away no matter how much I try to mask it. I’m beginning to think the world would be better without me in it. I walk to my rooftop terrace looking out at the city that I once loved but now it all looks the same, dull and harrowing. I step out onto the ledge, just one more step and I can end it all, the suffering, the heartbreak but one single word stops me.

“Magnus.” There is only one person who ever said my name like that, with such care and love, I turn around and there he is.

“Alexander.”


	2. Sorrow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec comes back to New York.

**Alec’s POV**

 

It’s been six months since I left New York and started working for the Clave. With Inquisitor Hernondale now gone they appointed a new one, Jia Penhallow who is more open minded. They created a new division within the Clave, called The Division Of Equality, I know very original but it works. They appointed me the head and I asked Aline to lead it with me which she did and we did great things together. But then they asked me if I would like to head up the New York Institute, they said ever since I left the productivity had gone down.

I missed my family and I missed Magnus, I haven’t spoke to him since I left and I didn’t expect him to wait for me but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have any hope that he did. So I decided to take their offer and I left Aline in charge of my post at the Clave. So here I am about to go to the ops center and greet everybody, by my request nobody knows not even my family who the new head is, I wanted it to be a surprise.

When they introduced me everyone was surprise because the last time they saw me I had a breakdown but now I’m stronger then I ever was. I feel lighter then ever but there is still a small part of me missing but I hope I can get it back but I have to worry about that later. After I talk to everyone I request that Jace, Izzy and Clary meet me in my office because I want to hug my family in private.

When I walk into my office their all waiting and I’m met with Izzy clinging to me like a panda, “oh big brother, I’m so happy to see you.”

“Me too.” She fell from my arms, I hug Jace next, after months being away from my parabatai, I even hugged Clary which left Izzy and Jace stunned. We sat down and caught up with each other’s lives, they could tell I was different but they said it was a good different. Then we got down to Clave business. I told them why they appointed a new head and they all agree to try to do better. I then told them that I had a meeting set up with all the heads of the Downworld including the seelies and that’s when the atmosphere changed. I could tell there was something important they needed to tell me.

The silence was killing me until I just told them to say what they needed to say, they looked at each other having a conversation with their eyes. I yelled again and Izzy lost, “ok big brother, there’s something you need to know.”

“Yes?” I asked.

“It’s Magnus.” I froze at the name and then everything bad that could have happened came to my mind, “he’s no longer the High Warlock, they replaced him after his dealings with the seelie Queen.” And I gasped, I know how much that meant to him, he had to be devastated and I know how he copes when things go wrong, he mask it behind a fake smile and alcohol.

“That’s not all Alec?” Izzy spoke again. “He’s not doing too well, we try to check on him as much as possible but he’s just pushed everyone away.”

As much as I wanted to help him right now I had a meeting with the Downworld I needed to get to. “Ok so whose the new High Warlock?”

“That’s all you have to say Alec, you need to go see him, he misses you.” Clary spoke.

“And I will, I missed him too but I need this meeting to go down well, our relations with the Downworld has depreciated and we need to build it back up.” I stood up and looked at Jace, “Jace I need you to come to the meeting with me, everyone is bringing their second in command, your mine, so let’s go.” So we made our way to the meeting hall, I hope this goes well.

The meeting didn’t go bad but it could have gone better, if there was one thing that I learned, it was that the new High Warlock of Brooklyn was an asshole, it was going to be tough but I know I can get it done. Now that the meetings over my mind has gone back to Magnus and how he must be feeling. I have a terrible feeling in my gut so I leave the institute and activate my speed rune and I took off running towards Magnus’ Brooklyn loft.

I reached the building in no time, like I suspected the wards let me in and I took the stairs two at a time, I had to get to Magnus. I opened the door using the key I still had and was immediately met with a meowing Chairman Meow. I bent down the pick him up and he purred and rubbed into my cheek, “Hey Chairman, where’s Magnus?” The cat jumped out of my arms and ran into the living room and I followed, he climbed up the stairs that led to the roof top terrace and I got another terrible feeling in my gut.

I walked up the stairs collecting myself and calmed my breathing, I didn’t want to panic at what I could see on the other side. I opened the door and there he was facing out towards the city but he was standing out on the ledge. Here was the man I loved more then anything getting ready to take his own life so I walked closer.

“Magnus.”

He turned around and all I saw in those beautiful cat eyes was pain and sorrow but he spoke, he said one word and my whole world lit up, one word that I thought I would never hear again...

“Alexander.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> This is something I wrote a longtime ago after Magnus and Alec broke up but forgot about it so I thought I’d post it.


End file.
